I open my eyes. Its dark in the room, my head feels heavy and I can hardly feel my body. For couple seconds my mind feels lost and then I remember... The first thought that crosses my mind is that he's gone. And the same thought keeps spinning in my head, trying to convince me that it is true. It's like I just woke up from a nightmare, only that nightmare is my reality.
The last couple days reappear in front of my eyes like a movie, it's like my mind is trying to remind me what had happened.
Wednesday, 02:15 pm - I receive the call and rush to the hospital. 3:25 pm - the nurse tells me he's doing fine, she goes on talking and describing me his situation but I can't hear anything or understand her words. All I got was surgery, he's doing ok so far. "So far"... What does it mean?
Wednesday, some time after 4, I'm sitting and waiting when the doctor approaches me. Again words that I am not able to comprehend. I don't understand. He keeps on talking. "I'm sorry, we did everything we could". What? So how is he? I still don't understand but I can't speak either, my entire body is frozen. I feel like a piece of ice standing in the hallway. The doctor slowly pronounces the words - I'm sorry, your husband is gone. I feel and hear how my frozen body brakes down into tiny pieces. I sink down and don't realize how appear on the floor with my legs numbed. And then... Then I don't remember. I just woke up. I guess I must be in the hospital. How long have I been here? Where is he? I want to see him. I have to see him. How long have I been here? Did they bury my husband without me? No, they can't, they wouldn't! What do I do now? What am I supposed to do? Should I quite my job? Do I continue paying my bills? How do I go on living? The questions get bigger and bigger until they feel the entire room. I feel like my own questions are attacking me. And this darkness. Why is it so dark in this room? As if the darkness inside is not enough. Give me some light, damn it! Give me some light.
I can't take this anymore! What is happening? I can hear my own voice. I'm screaming. Why? It feels like somebody else is screaming inside me, someone else is controlling my voice.
The lights turns on and a group of people enter the room, they are all wearing white. Must be nurses, then I must be in a hospital. Uggh... what's that?
-This will help you relax
I hear a woman's voice, but I don't have any strength to react to it, my entire body goes numb, I feel my eyes closing...
I see white. I'm not sure if everything is white here or it's just a bright light. Where am I? What am I? Dead? I wish... I finally completely open my eyes, a man is sitting in front of me, looks like a doctor. He's holding some papers and a pen, he keeps staring at me but doesn't speak for a while. I finally decide to break the awkward silence.
-Where am I?
-You are in a mental institution Mrs. Jackson
I feel my lips moving, shaping an awkward smile, more sarcastic than anything else. The man goes on.
- I am your primary doctor, Mike Williams. You have been here for four months, since the day your husband passed away. You're suffering from severe depression, hallucinations, also memory loss.
-I remember that my husband is gone
-Yes ma'am, but you don't remember anything after that day. In fact I have explained this same thing to you several times. You don't remember our conversations, your treatment, in fact you don't remember that you have been here for four months already.
I so don't care even I am surprised. It's like somebody has turned off all my senses, emotions and feelings. He's gone... Nothing really matters anymore. That is the last thing that I remember because that was the last thing that mattered. The doctor is still talking, but I can't hear him. Everything and everyone around seems so unreal. Has the world changed this much or is it just me?
Memory loss... hmm... well, why do I need my memory when there is nothing worth remembering anymore. There's no logic, no meaning, it's just nothing around me. Even my own thoughts seem so abstract and disorganized to me. I close my eyes, trying to shut down the entire world, the entire universe of nothing. I close my eyes, praying that whoever had turned off my senses would turn me off entirely... He's gone.
The last couple days reappear in front of my eyes like a movie, it's like my mind is trying to remind me what had happened.
Wednesday, 02:15 pm - I receive the call and rush to the hospital. 3:25 pm - the nurse tells me he's doing fine, she goes on talking and describing me his situation but I can't hear anything or understand her words. All I got was surgery, he's doing ok so far. "So far"... What does it mean?
Wednesday, some time after 4, I'm sitting and waiting when the doctor approaches me. Again words that I am not able to comprehend. I don't understand. He keeps on talking. "I'm sorry, we did everything we could". What? So how is he? I still don't understand but I can't speak either, my entire body is frozen. I feel like a piece of ice standing in the hallway. The doctor slowly pronounces the words - I'm sorry, your husband is gone. I feel and hear how my frozen body brakes down into tiny pieces. I sink down and don't realize how appear on the floor with my legs numbed. And then... Then I don't remember. I just woke up. I guess I must be in the hospital. How long have I been here? Where is he? I want to see him. I have to see him. How long have I been here? Did they bury my husband without me? No, they can't, they wouldn't! What do I do now? What am I supposed to do? Should I quite my job? Do I continue paying my bills? How do I go on living? The questions get bigger and bigger until they feel the entire room. I feel like my own questions are attacking me. And this darkness. Why is it so dark in this room? As if the darkness inside is not enough. Give me some light, damn it! Give me some light.
I can't take this anymore! What is happening? I can hear my own voice. I'm screaming. Why? It feels like somebody else is screaming inside me, someone else is controlling my voice.The lights turns on and a group of people enter the room, they are all wearing white. Must be nurses, then I must be in a hospital. Uggh... what's that?
-This will help you relax
I hear a woman's voice, but I don't have any strength to react to it, my entire body goes numb, I feel my eyes closing...
I see white. I'm not sure if everything is white here or it's just a bright light. Where am I? What am I? Dead? I wish... I finally completely open my eyes, a man is sitting in front of me, looks like a doctor. He's holding some papers and a pen, he keeps staring at me but doesn't speak for a while. I finally decide to break the awkward silence.
-Where am I?
-You are in a mental institution Mrs. Jackson
I feel my lips moving, shaping an awkward smile, more sarcastic than anything else. The man goes on.
- I am your primary doctor, Mike Williams. You have been here for four months, since the day your husband passed away. You're suffering from severe depression, hallucinations, also memory loss.
-I remember that my husband is gone
-Yes ma'am, but you don't remember anything after that day. In fact I have explained this same thing to you several times. You don't remember our conversations, your treatment, in fact you don't remember that you have been here for four months already.
I so don't care even I am surprised. It's like somebody has turned off all my senses, emotions and feelings. He's gone... Nothing really matters anymore. That is the last thing that I remember because that was the last thing that mattered. The doctor is still talking, but I can't hear him. Everything and everyone around seems so unreal. Has the world changed this much or is it just me?
Memory loss... hmm... well, why do I need my memory when there is nothing worth remembering anymore. There's no logic, no meaning, it's just nothing around me. Even my own thoughts seem so abstract and disorganized to me. I close my eyes, trying to shut down the entire world, the entire universe of nothing. I close my eyes, praying that whoever had turned off my senses would turn me off entirely... He's gone.