Love is simple.
It keeps you warm when it's cold outside,
It helps you sleep peacefully when it's too dark.
It keeps you warm when it's cold outside,
It helps you sleep peacefully when it's too dark.
Wine Lips
I lick my lips
wet with red wine
and can’t help but think
about a possible kiss
that could warm them
Tunnel
A chilly autumn Friday afternoon. I was seating in the waiting
room and waiting for my appointment with the psychiatrist. I had such high
hopes, I thought therapy would magically fix everything and things would start
getting better day by day. I was so anxious about noticing the changes that I
was starting to grow impatient. I thought this trained person would be able to
come into my soul, knock out all the walls, grab a microphone and give a bad
ass inspiring speech to my heart and then everything would become the way it is
supposed to be. I was expecting someone or something else to take over my mind
and solve my problems because I had grown so weak after fighting with my own
issues for years that I had finally given up. Well, maybe not given up all
together, because I did seek professional help, but at least I came to the
conclusion that I was not strong enough to deal with it on my own. Who knows,
maybe that was just another excuse. Maybe I am craving this long path for
myself to be able to run away from responsibility. At least now if I fail, yet
again, I can say that I at least tried, and hell, I even have witnesses now who
can prove that I tried.
It was the same Friday afternoon that I realized that I am
slowly starting to romanticize even this whole act of going to a psychiatrist. I
told you about it, I am not sure why. I don’t know if I want you to know that
you are the ache in my heart or I want to torment you with a feeling of
responsibility. At the same time, I don’t want you to think that you are that
important to me because I know I am not equally meaningful to you. You remember
about me when you are sad, lonely. You write after a long tiring day, when you
find yourself in the room by yourself surrounded by darkness and melancholic
thoughts. Well, at such vulnerable times it is easy to remember me, hell, it
could be anyone in my place. But I remember you even during the bright
daylight.
I know that all you want is a meaningless casual dialogue,
simple catching up that will hold that last string together, and that will be
enough. But we both know that so much is not said in between those lines, and
those silent words are the ones tormenting my heart. Those are the things I
want to talk about, those are the things I want to write. And even if I do,
once in a blue moon, I am greeted with your silence, or a harsh reality that
you don’t want to face those words. And yet again, I don’t stop. I give in into
your wish of simply writing back and forth about casual topics, about work and
the weather. I send you a picture of the rainy day, you say how you have missed
such weather, while in reality I am sending you the picture of all those rains
we had together and all those rains that we missed, and all those that we still
could have. I am sending you a picture of a rainy day hoping you would see the
two silhouettes missing in there, the two not kissing under the rain, the two
not dancing through the bad weather, the two not drowning in each other’s eyes.
You reply how you have missed the rain, and in my heart, I read how you have
missed me, how you have missed the rainy days we have spent together, the soft
kisses we shared under the rain. In my heart, I read between the lines and can
only hope that at least half of it you meant to put in there between the silent
words for me to notice.
We are going in different directions. You are happy with
whatever it is that we have and I am hungry for labels and definitions. You are
happy with talking about whatever is on the surface and I can’t help but drift
into the depth of it all. You seek simplicity but we are way far from simple
and I am desperate to untangle the confusion. Maybe in some twisted way I am
addicted to this pain, I keep torturing myself with the thoughts and
possibilities that you so masterfully have learned to hide. And if I bring
something up then I am distressing the shield that you have created around
yourself to be protected from those thoughts that are still haunting me. I
can’t get away, maybe I don’t want to. I don’t want to surround myself with a
lie, no matter how soft and comfortable it might be. You are way too good in
burying all that matters for the sake of moving on, and I am way too good at
remembering everything with every intricate detail, and that’s what makes me
sink deeper and deeper.
I guess the ultimate question is what is it that I want. I
want closure. I want to understand the things I still don’t get, I want to know
the things you never told me, I want to be reminded of details I didn’t notice.
I want to ask all those questions that I have out loud and hear answers in
reply instead of the dark silence of the night. I want you to explain me
everything, I want you to be honest, I want the truth. I want reasons instead
of made up excuses. I want logic to be able to move on. And even if the logic
is quite illogical, I’ll take it, I will take whatever motives you might have,
as long as you don’t leave my begging palms empty. I need this. I desperately
need this to finally move on. But the truth is that I can never be sure if you
will even do this for me. I know it’s not easy what I ask of you. I know we
both will have to relive through things we don’t want to, this might bring out
demons we have tried so hard to hide. But some of my demons are still out there
and I need to go through it to make sure I can survive, I need to go through it
to stop wondering and putting my bets on the non-realistic possibilities. I know
it will drain us both, but I so desperately need it. I am stuck in between this
tunnel and if you don’t at least meet me half way, there is no way I will find
my way out. I need you to come back for me and take me out of this hole, even
though you have found your shortcut, we will need to go through the long way to
make sure we never fall back again.
One Night
She was standing in the shower facing away from the water. Her entire body was shivering as she stood there with her hands against the wall. The warm water was running down her body but she felt cold as ice. She could not help but sob like a wounded wolf, luckily there was the noise of the water. She heard the bathroom door opening, he came in still filled with the joy of their momentary happiness and hungry for more. She wanted so badly to stop crying but could not get herself to even make an effort. It was too late anyway. He opened the shower door and hold her tight. She fell instantly into his arms like little butterfly that was swept away by a storm. His clothes became soaking wet instantly but neither of them cared. They both were sitting on the bathroom floor as she sobbed like a baby in his arms as loud as she could. It felt nice to have the luxury to cry and not care who could hear her. They were in a hotel room after all, who cares what the strangers next door would think.
It felt like they had been sitting there for hours, her eyes were red and puffy, her face was buried in his chest. He smelled nice, he felt nice, he felt like home, even though she was so far away from her home. The silence was calming. There was no need for words, there was so much to say but there never would have been enough time to say it all, so why bother.
They somehow managed to steal a day from their lives, from the lives of the others. They stole couple of miserable hours from the fate and there wasn’t much of a selection for what they would do. They went for the most obvious, most miserable choice of them all. Anything else would be too painful, at least that’s what they thought.
Yet there they were sitting on the bathroom floor already hurting from what they did, already sinking deep into the misery they created for themselves. Humans are so greedy, we are never satisfied with the moment, we always want more, always look for what is next. What was next for them was countless sleepless nights, clashes of different time zones, different lives and the heartbroken hope that maybe someday again…
It felt so nice to sit there in his arms and be still and silent like a statue, if only one could die like this… In the arms of the one who is there to be silent with you, who won’t ask questions, who doesn’t have the answers, but is there to hold you tight and let you cry your heart out for no reason at all and for all the right reasons altogether.
She had no strength left. He picked her up and took her to the bed. She felt how the warm blanket covered her naked still wet body all the way from neck to the tip of her toes. Her eyes could hardly open, she could not utter a single word. Within seconds she drifted into a numb sleep, her body was floating through void, her thoughts had vanished and when she opened her eyes it was already morning. The sunlight was struggling to get in through the closed shades, her hair was still wet and so was the pillow. She woke up with emptiness in her heart, she woke up as if matured for a whole year within the night that felt like a second-long sleep. She could still feel the sticky dried spots of the tears on her cheeks, her eyes hurt and she was dizzy. But the physical pain and discomfort would pass.
He was still asleep. She could not bear the thought of facing him after all that. She could not imagine what she would say, how they would part. It was painful enough that they both knew what’s next. Why bother go through the pointless dialogues and polite looks, hidden tears behind cheerful smiles. She was getting dressed ready to leave. As she grabbed her purse she saw his piercing eyes stare at her motionless. He knows, they both do. He will understand. She almost ran to the elevator, the early morning silence in the hotel was disturbed by the sound of her heart beat, which seemed so loud it could wake everyone up. She pressed the button, the light went on and then there was the dreadful moment of waiting. Take the stairs, wait just one more second, will he come after me? Why? The doors open. Thankfully the elevator is empty. The worst thing in situations like this is to have to deal with people, to be polite to strangers, think of your manners, all the while when there is a storm in your mind that won’t leave you alone.
But we humans are greedy. Even when we know what is the right thing to do we convince ourselves otherwise by thinking of hundreds of counterpoints and excuses.
Humans are greedy… so she went back… she went back to face him, to kiss him one more time, to have the sloppy goodbye with endless words that make no sense, with pointless dialogues that desperately try to cover up the pain. She went back to see him one more time, to chase for the sparkle of connection in his eyes, she went back knowing perfectly well that she would regret it just like she had been already regretting coming to meet him in the first place.
She went back, there was nowhere lower to sink, there was no way to undo the future pain, no way to lessen the mistake.
She went back…
It felt like they had been sitting there for hours, her eyes were red and puffy, her face was buried in his chest. He smelled nice, he felt nice, he felt like home, even though she was so far away from her home. The silence was calming. There was no need for words, there was so much to say but there never would have been enough time to say it all, so why bother.
They somehow managed to steal a day from their lives, from the lives of the others. They stole couple of miserable hours from the fate and there wasn’t much of a selection for what they would do. They went for the most obvious, most miserable choice of them all. Anything else would be too painful, at least that’s what they thought.
Yet there they were sitting on the bathroom floor already hurting from what they did, already sinking deep into the misery they created for themselves. Humans are so greedy, we are never satisfied with the moment, we always want more, always look for what is next. What was next for them was countless sleepless nights, clashes of different time zones, different lives and the heartbroken hope that maybe someday again…
It felt so nice to sit there in his arms and be still and silent like a statue, if only one could die like this… In the arms of the one who is there to be silent with you, who won’t ask questions, who doesn’t have the answers, but is there to hold you tight and let you cry your heart out for no reason at all and for all the right reasons altogether.
She had no strength left. He picked her up and took her to the bed. She felt how the warm blanket covered her naked still wet body all the way from neck to the tip of her toes. Her eyes could hardly open, she could not utter a single word. Within seconds she drifted into a numb sleep, her body was floating through void, her thoughts had vanished and when she opened her eyes it was already morning. The sunlight was struggling to get in through the closed shades, her hair was still wet and so was the pillow. She woke up with emptiness in her heart, she woke up as if matured for a whole year within the night that felt like a second-long sleep. She could still feel the sticky dried spots of the tears on her cheeks, her eyes hurt and she was dizzy. But the physical pain and discomfort would pass.
He was still asleep. She could not bear the thought of facing him after all that. She could not imagine what she would say, how they would part. It was painful enough that they both knew what’s next. Why bother go through the pointless dialogues and polite looks, hidden tears behind cheerful smiles. She was getting dressed ready to leave. As she grabbed her purse she saw his piercing eyes stare at her motionless. He knows, they both do. He will understand. She almost ran to the elevator, the early morning silence in the hotel was disturbed by the sound of her heart beat, which seemed so loud it could wake everyone up. She pressed the button, the light went on and then there was the dreadful moment of waiting. Take the stairs, wait just one more second, will he come after me? Why? The doors open. Thankfully the elevator is empty. The worst thing in situations like this is to have to deal with people, to be polite to strangers, think of your manners, all the while when there is a storm in your mind that won’t leave you alone.
But we humans are greedy. Even when we know what is the right thing to do we convince ourselves otherwise by thinking of hundreds of counterpoints and excuses.
Humans are greedy… so she went back… she went back to face him, to kiss him one more time, to have the sloppy goodbye with endless words that make no sense, with pointless dialogues that desperately try to cover up the pain. She went back to see him one more time, to chase for the sparkle of connection in his eyes, she went back knowing perfectly well that she would regret it just like she had been already regretting coming to meet him in the first place.
She went back, there was nowhere lower to sink, there was no way to undo the future pain, no way to lessen the mistake.
She went back…
The Unnameable
You texted that you would have to stay longer for a meeting. Reading the message my imagination went wild feeling in all the gaps of the misspoken words, of the details you so skilfully left out. Longer... you took the time from me, from us... Why? For whom? Whose on the other side of the spiral that you are so desperately yet calmly reaching towards?
You know, last night I had a dream, a dream about something I would rather not name, because well, probably because of some stupid superstition that if I name it then it might become more real then it needs to be. Or maybe because naming it makes it so blunt, so plain and cliche. We don't like cliche, we don't starve for uniqueness either,we like being us, being ourselves. But yes, back to my dream... I cried, I cried in my sleep because you hurt me so much in my dream. With the first sunlight crawling inside our room through the cracks of the blinds you got up and kissed me as usual, took the extra blanket from the floor and made sure I was warm and covered before you left. I heard you but was too mad to open my eyes, to mad to even give one of those half-asleep smiles that has a special tenderness of effortlessness that makes it so sincere. I was mad... hurt... still half-asleep, still under the veil of dreams that can be so vivid at times that one can't help but wonder which is more real, your morning kiss or the hurtful dream?
I went on with my day pretending it's just a bad illusion that will soon pass. And then I received your text. I did not want to treat it as a sign but the pain crawled back into my chest like green smoke that is noiseless but can't be unnoticed. So I noticed it, I had to. Hours kept passing and biting my lips did not help any bit. has it been hours really? probably not, but it sure felt like it. Time is so irrelevant at times like this, it can stretch when you are in a state of waiting, it can fill the entire room with it's slow pace, crawl under the furniture to fill out every single empty spot and crack. The silence grew louder in the room and it seemed as if the walls would scream at me soon, and all because I so desperately wanted to escape my own thoughts while their haunting presence would not leave the room.
Desperate emptiness.. It is torturing me... the unnameable...
You know, last night I had a dream, a dream about something I would rather not name, because well, probably because of some stupid superstition that if I name it then it might become more real then it needs to be. Or maybe because naming it makes it so blunt, so plain and cliche. We don't like cliche, we don't starve for uniqueness either,we like being us, being ourselves. But yes, back to my dream... I cried, I cried in my sleep because you hurt me so much in my dream. With the first sunlight crawling inside our room through the cracks of the blinds you got up and kissed me as usual, took the extra blanket from the floor and made sure I was warm and covered before you left. I heard you but was too mad to open my eyes, to mad to even give one of those half-asleep smiles that has a special tenderness of effortlessness that makes it so sincere. I was mad... hurt... still half-asleep, still under the veil of dreams that can be so vivid at times that one can't help but wonder which is more real, your morning kiss or the hurtful dream?
I went on with my day pretending it's just a bad illusion that will soon pass. And then I received your text. I did not want to treat it as a sign but the pain crawled back into my chest like green smoke that is noiseless but can't be unnoticed. So I noticed it, I had to. Hours kept passing and biting my lips did not help any bit. has it been hours really? probably not, but it sure felt like it. Time is so irrelevant at times like this, it can stretch when you are in a state of waiting, it can fill the entire room with it's slow pace, crawl under the furniture to fill out every single empty spot and crack. The silence grew louder in the room and it seemed as if the walls would scream at me soon, and all because I so desperately wanted to escape my own thoughts while their haunting presence would not leave the room.
Desperate emptiness.. It is torturing me... the unnameable...
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